“Something” is a state between a “Thing” and “Not a Thing.”

It is scientifically verifiable that all prosperous and amazing website content mills begin and end with two things:

Weird Food
People Debasing themselves on Video

In order to capture lightning in a bottle, we set our sights on both concepts when considering our inaugural post.

In this spirit, we proudly embark on our own scientific odyssey with the first Thing of the Week.

Thing of The Week #1

SUBJECT: The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito

While checking the exclusive next-generation application UberEATS, Lyle found a promotional deal from New York City’s Pop-Tarts Cafe for a free “Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito.”

The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito is described as:

“Frosted S’Mores Pop-Tarts slices layered underneath slightly torched marshmallows and chocolate bars – wrapped in a fresh, sweet crepe. Served with strawberry, kiwi ‘salsa,’ and frosting ‘sour cream.’”

Exhibit A: The Something in Question

Lyle immediately ordered it*.

*It is worth mentioning that due to Lyle’s Celiac disease, he had to skip out on the tasting portion of the Pop-Tarts Burrito. Chmaj however, had no excuses and was forced to eat the entire damn thing.

SOMETHING TESTING PROCESS

About 10 minutes later a man showed up outside our door with a mildly-dented little box, giving the impression that they just have these things lying around at the Pop-Tarts Cafe underneath the sink next to the cleaning supplies.

The box came with a lovely little sticker from the Pop-Tarts Cafe reminding us that it was “Made in the USA.” Good job Pop-Tarts!

Exhibit B: What’s in the Box?

What’s a box without an un-boxing? VIDEO CONTENT, ENGAGE!

After that video Chmaj set his timer to “30 seconds until awesome.” Included with the titular burrito were 3 little cups – our “Salsa’s” and the “Sour Cream.” Chmaj tried all 3, and then finished the burrito plain.

FINDINGS

The following is our conclusions regarding the potential Thingularity of the Pop-Tarts S’mores Burrito (For more information on our analysis process, please reference Thingology 101).

Millennials are advised to skip to the end of all this boring text and watch Chmaj eat the burrito in glorious 1080p.

Hardness: 0

The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito received a 0, as it crumbled immediately upon pressure from Chmaj eating it. The state of the box upon delivery also implies that this product has probably been through enough emotional trauma to last several lifetimes. This is the kind of product that wants others to feel its pain.

Reality: 5

The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito merited a 5; it was both real and definitely should not be.

COLOR:

Chmaj: It’s a 3. It’s all one color, that color being brown.
Lyle: Yes, it’s all one color; but it comes with red and green coloring you can dip it in. And white. That’s a whole 4 colors. And since I’m writing the Thing of the Week this week, I’m making it a 4.
Chmaj: It’s a 3 goddammit.

COLOR: 4

EDIBILITY: 6

It’s acceptable to put the Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito in your mouth. It’s not socially acceptable to do so in public.

VERTICAL REACH: 0

The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito deserves the lowest of fives.

Video Evidence For Millennials:

AVERAGE: 3

With a score of 3 on the National Thingularity Index, it is highly likely that the Pop-Tarts S’mores Burrito is not a thing. However in the interest of the Scientific Process, Chmaj and Lyle then asked each other for a personal opinion…

RESULTS

QUESTION: IS THE POP-TARTS S’MORES BURRITO A THING?

Lyle: “No, it’s not a thing.”
Chmaj: “Hell no… If you hate your child, give this to them… It’s kind of like a zen meditation where… you have to overcome and transcend the exterior of the food…”

ANSWER: NO. IT IS NOT A THING