How to Find Our Favorite Patrons

July 19, 2017July 10, 2017

Welcome back to Chmaj & Lyle Make A Thing, this week we will show you how to find our favorite patrons!

Steps

1 Open your webcam

2 Look at Video Feed from Webcam

See you next Week!

Thing of the Week #4: Greatest Hits Compilation

May 10, 2017May 10, 2017

We here at Chmaj & Lyle Make A Thing take the utmost pains to ensure that we only post the freshest and most carefully manicured content. After a meeting of the high elders and a phone call with our mothers that began with “What have you been doing lately with your lives?” we thought it would a good time to take a look back on some of our greatest hits:

CALMAT GREATEST HITS COMPILATION

#1

Content Delays!

Thanks to our soon-to-be-billions of fans, Content Delays is still going strong!

We’ll see you all next week!

TL;DR for millenials:

C U L8R BAIIII

Postscript: In all honesty folks, we have been diligently working behind-the-scenes on the First Real Thing we plan to unleash upon the universe(!)

Due to variables outside of the control of both ourselves and the Gods, In order to maintain utmost quality content we have postponed announcements on the damn Thing until such a time that the stars are aligned. Our front-page countdown clock has been updated to reflect this development.

Thank you for your continued click-bait appreciation in these times of trouble, and we promise this will be the last time we do a cheap-shot article… for a few months anyway…

Thing of the Week #4: Content Delays – The Final Conclusion

April 19, 2017April 19, 2017

What follows is the final results of a two-week long study, up to a delay in publication date and time. Numbers and data have been obscured to protect their identity.

Thanks to our millions of loyal fans ready to throw themselves upon the spikes of post-engagement, we noticed a very amazing trend: Content Delays has been our most popular post!

In fact, our views went up 132% when we posted content delays and our post engagement saw a 600% increase!

As you can clearly see, Content Delays was a hit!

By not posting the Thing of the Week on Wednesday at Noon, it appears we made readers desperately want the Thing of the Week! Or maybe the Millennials that we are both hip and hop with just like when a Thing is simple (more research needs to be done).

Thing of The Week #3/4

SUBJECT: Content Delays

Millennials allergic to reading who would rather Skateboard on a Snapchat with their Pokeman-Goes are advised to tune in next week! For the rest of you…

You know what they say: It’s like that old tale about the man who learns to fish to feed himself.

Except this time the man doesn’t learn to fish, he just takes a nap until his mom calls him and reminds him it’s dinner time and he really needs to come home because he’s been missing for 3 weeks. He then shows up at home and is greeted by everyone he ever knew and they offer him gifts to welcome him back before he gets really drunk and realizes all he ever wanted to do was catch a fish but now he has the Fish-o-Tron 9000 courtesy of one of his friends and decides to use that instead.

Such a vicious cycle for that poor content creator in the Creative Economy 2.0!

While we ultimately enjoyed limiting our Thing of the Week supply to up reader demand, in practice we noticed it had some benefits and drawbacks.

SOMETHING TESTING PROCESS

With all the time we saved from content delays we:

Went to Citi-Field .
Saw Bartolo Colon.
Saw Bartolo Colon pitch.
Saw Bartolo Colon hit and carry his bat towards first before giving up and going back to the dugout .
Got accosted by 3 very complimentary and friendly young men who received a business card.
Slept Soundly for the First Time In Years.
Saw Get Out at the Nitehawk Cinema in Brooklyn.
Went to Battery Park
Watched Resident Evil Retribution with Jeff .
Ate Pizza.
Ate Halal .
Showered.
Eloped to Romania .
Went our separate ways at a Romanian train station after disagreeing over color of ties.
Raised a family of 4.
Lost a family in a tragic ski lift incident.
Retired and traveled around the world.
Had our ashes scattered in space.
Were resurrected by a very confused Class-IV civilization who was making space-tea.
Accidentally broke the space-time continuum.
Got exiled back to Earth.
Ordered pizza and beer. It has not arrived yet.

However, we also had to deal with:

Constant reminders on the hour that the Thing of the Week was not posted .
Dealing with the crushing shame of being bad at our life-long profession.
Smash Mouth’s All Star did not apply to us .
Had to eat M&M’s, but not the brown ones (Thanks, Iron Fist!).*
The rain. Oh god, the rain… It cuts into your soul and pools deep in the filth and muck of The Late-Night New York City Vibration of an Underground Cold-Cut Washing Machine, you dig?

*For the record, Chmaj would like to attribute this Intellectual Property to Van Halen, the original genius behind M&M separation.

We also put up a post on a Not-Wednesday, and it was more popular than everything else on our site combined. Let us hit you with some stats:

This image is barely related, but it is from our website metrics, and has numbers!

With all that happened during Content Delays, all that’s left is to document the results.

FINDINGS

The following is our conclusions regarding the potential Thingularity of Content Delays (For more information on our analysis process, please reference Thingology 101)

Hardness: 2

While you would think Content Delays would crumble under the pressure of constant worry from our mothers, Content Delays actually put up a fight and even managed to make itself a constant presence for over 2 weeks in a row!

Reality: 10

Content delays happen. Man, woman, child- ALL shall bow before the all-seeing and all-mighty Content Delay. RESPECT THE CONTENT DELAY. If you don’t believe us, check out this pie chart:

Stats +0.23%, Numbers: 23-2-0. We traditionally post on Wednesdays.

COLOR: 0

While content delays had the effect of increasing our confidence, vigor, and stamina, it did not have any visible colors. Consult with to your doctor about whether or not Content Delays is right for you.

EDIBILITY: 5

While you would be hard-pressed to put Content Delays in your mouth, Content Delays contained an awful lot of pizza. While most pizza is a 10 on the edibility scale (bias +/-3 Papas), this was primarily Little Caesar’s.

VERTICAL REACH: 10

Before we embarked on Content Delays, Chmaj and Lyle turned to each other and asked “Content Delays?” in unison. They then procceded to nod heads in unison and high-five each other. 10/10

AVERAGE: 5.6

Given the average NTI of 5.6, Content Delays swing very slightly towards being a Thing than not. In the interest of science, we go to Chmaj & Lyle to determine if Content Delays are a thing. 

RESULTS

QUESTION: IS CONTENT DELAYS A THING?

Lyle: [passed out in bed after attending a friend’s going away party]

Chmaj: [Woke up at 5pm because narcolepsy]

ANSWER: CONTENT DELAYS, THEY’RE A THING

CONCLUSION:

CONTENT DELAYS ARE A THING

STAY TUNED ON

[TBD, COMING SOON, RELEASE DATE FOURTHCOMING, DON’T ASK]

FOR MORE THINGS!

Any additional comments?

Chmaj: “[Insert Better Excuse for Content Delays Here]”

Lyle: “What day is it?”

Thing of the Week #1: The Pop-Tarts S’mores Burrito (Powered by UberEATS)

March 22, 2017March 29, 2017

“Something” is a state between a “Thing” and “Not a Thing.”

It is scientifically verifiable that all prosperous and amazing website content mills begin and end with two things:

Weird Food
People Debasing themselves on Video

In order to capture lightning in a bottle, we set our sights on both concepts when considering our inaugural post.

In this spirit, we proudly embark on our own scientific odyssey with the first Thing of the Week.

Thing of The Week #1

SUBJECT: The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito

While checking the exclusive next-generation application UberEATS, Lyle found a promotional deal from New York City’s Pop-Tarts Cafe for a free “Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito.”

The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito is described as:

“Frosted S’Mores Pop-Tarts slices layered underneath slightly torched marshmallows and chocolate bars – wrapped in a fresh, sweet crepe. Served with strawberry, kiwi ‘salsa,’ and frosting ‘sour cream.’”

Exhibit A: The Something in Question

Lyle immediately ordered it*.

*It is worth mentioning that due to Lyle’s Celiac disease, he had to skip out on the tasting portion of the Pop-Tarts Burrito. Chmaj however, had no excuses and was forced to eat the entire damn thing.

SOMETHING TESTING PROCESS

About 10 minutes later a man showed up outside our door with a mildly-dented little box, giving the impression that they just have these things lying around at the Pop-Tarts Cafe underneath the sink next to the cleaning supplies.

The box came with a lovely little sticker from the Pop-Tarts Cafe reminding us that it was “Made in the USA.” Good job Pop-Tarts!

Exhibit B: What’s in the Box?

What’s a box without an un-boxing? VIDEO CONTENT, ENGAGE!

After that video Chmaj set his timer to “30 seconds until awesome.” Included with the titular burrito were 3 little cups – our “Salsa’s” and the “Sour Cream.” Chmaj tried all 3, and then finished the burrito plain.

FINDINGS

The following is our conclusions regarding the potential Thingularity of the Pop-Tarts S’mores Burrito (For more information on our analysis process, please reference Thingology 101).

Millennials are advised to skip to the end of all this boring text and watch Chmaj eat the burrito in glorious 1080p.

Hardness: 0

The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito received a 0, as it crumbled immediately upon pressure from Chmaj eating it. The state of the box upon delivery also implies that this product has probably been through enough emotional trauma to last several lifetimes. This is the kind of product that wants others to feel its pain.

Reality: 5

The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito merited a 5; it was both real and definitely should not be.

COLOR:

Chmaj: It’s a 3. It’s all one color, that color being brown.
Lyle: Yes, it’s all one color; but it comes with red and green coloring you can dip it in. And white. That’s a whole 4 colors. And since I’m writing the Thing of the Week this week, I’m making it a 4.
Chmaj: It’s a 3 goddammit.

COLOR: 4

EDIBILITY: 6

It’s acceptable to put the Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito in your mouth. It’s not socially acceptable to do so in public.

VERTICAL REACH: 0

The Pop-Tarts S’Mores Burrito deserves the lowest of fives.

Video Evidence For Millennials:

AVERAGE: 3

With a score of 3 on the National Thingularity Index, it is highly likely that the Pop-Tarts S’mores Burrito is not a thing. However in the interest of the Scientific Process, Chmaj and Lyle then asked each other for a personal opinion…

RESULTS

QUESTION: IS THE POP-TARTS S’MORES BURRITO A THING?

Lyle: “No, it’s not a thing.”
Chmaj: “Hell no… If you hate your child, give this to them… It’s kind of like a zen meditation where… you have to overcome and transcend the exterior of the food…”

ANSWER: NO. IT IS NOT A THING