[Excerpt taken from CALMAT-CON 2017]
CALMAT:
Hi guys!
[Thunderous applause]
Let’s just do it and be legends.
[Thunderous applause]
We’ve waited a long time to say that.
[Thunderous applause]
My body is ready.
[Thunderous applause]
We have a big announcement to share. At long last, the day we have all been waiting for has arrived. And it gives me great pleasure to unveil this to you today.
[Thunderous applause]
We’ve had a lot of discussion about which one of our most popular characters should be ready to appear as our first big Thing comes to market.
[Thunderous applause]
So last year, we stood here and showed you a video of this crazy thing we’re making. Almost 10 years ago, we, as many of you did, fell in love with a Thing. That Thing took us to the second crusade. And we fell in love again when it took us to the Enlightenment. Over the years this amazing thing has taken us to the Chinese Revolution, the Vikings invasion of Britain, Feudal Japan, and of course, to the republic of Zimbabwe.
[Thunderous applause]
This year, I really just want to tell you all about it. Since our first article, over the last 3, 4 posts, we have poured our energy, our talent, our passion into bringing the land of pyramids, pharaohs, and mummies to life. Now we’re in Egypt. So we’re looking into this military camp and we’re going tag a few enemies here. After the announcement, we will infiltrate this camp either through stealth, or combat, or ranged weaponry.
[Thunderous applause]
This Thing truly is open world. Now Egypt challenged us, it fundamentally challenged us to reinvent CALMAT.
[Thunderous applause]
CALMAT, the benchmark of engineering excellence, combining 3 32-bit processors with 5 additional processors to create a head-snapping 500,000 polygons per second. Experience the monster torque and parallel processing power with all the speed and handling you’ve come to expect, and every inch is CALMAT. You thought you knew how to do the Thing, but no one has done it this hard, this fast, this real until now. Come look into the world of CALMAT.
[Thunderous applause]
CALMAT, the most powerful, the most technologically advanced, anywhere. Yeah.
[Thunderous applause]
And we’re excited to announce we have seen more than 85 million units shipped worldwide. Like this.
[Thunderous applause]
Now it’s time to explore your inner realm. Open your brain, look inside. Oh, we’re trimming our toenails, how nice. We’re five years away from the twenty-first century.
[Thunderous applause]
Next, imagine we’re in the solar system that we’re currently at, and then we’re here here at the boundary between two warring factions. We could join in, we could take sides. So that’s a tiny glimpse of space combat, but we’ve only got three minutes and there’s loads we want to tell you about. Remember, battles like that are taking place across the universe. In our minds, if we pull back a little bit, and we’re going to pull back a little bit more to give you a sense of the size of CALMAT, and when we do, understand that every one of those points of light in your mind is a sun, and everyone one of those suns has its own solar system with planet sized planets orbiting around it. Those have life, ecology. Now most of these places we’re talking about have never been visited. Many of them never will be. And if you think really hard about it, over there in the distance is the center of the galaxy. that’s where we’re all trying to get to.
[Thunderous applause]
And now i’m going to do something really stupid. Over the next few days you will see, play, and feel, this reinvented experience. We are deeply honored, and proud, to be representing the amazing work of a phenomenal team. and thrilled to show you this beast we have been building.
[Thunderous applause]
Without further ado, here is a taste of CALMAT. The Thing is the newest and most indulgent taste temptation from CALMAT. delivering crystal clear digital video and rich creamy 3-d graphics. and each unit is topped off with a delicious DSP chip dedicated to Scrumptious Cd quality sound. this gourmet meal from Sega goes well with all these yummy mouthwatering things. Revolutionary sports and arcade gameplay, all with amazing new 3-d experiences never before possible at home.
[Thunderous applause]
Wow. Cool.
[Thunderous Applause]
Next, I’m just going to pick one of these at random. Now we can go there. But if anything horrible goes wrong, just keep in mind, that I’ve not been there before. Cool. So here we are in an undiscovered solar system, probably no one’s ever been here before. In our heads we can do a scan. And when we do you’ll imagine some points of interest. You see that red one down there? It’s a beacon. And i’ve made it so there’s always a beacon near where we are. So beacons are where you- beacons are where you can upload discoveries. That’s it over there. Behind that rock, and and now we’re on this planet we’ve just found. Just an alien world we’ve found together. This is planet CALMAT. And it’s not like the prettiest planet, we’ve all seen better, but we’ve also seen a lot worse. So now, we can do a scan. And, uh, as luck would have it there’s no alien life. But we can show you this. So every planet in every solar system is fully destructible.
[Thunderous Applause]
Hear that? There are these guys called the sentinels. They protect the planets from explorers like us. Now we’re underwater. There’s some fish. There’s some CALMAT fish. Cool, so now we need to find that beacon and we can upload those discoveries. So now when the Thing is out and we’ll announce a release date soon, we promise, when the Thing is out one of you might one day come across this planet. And that’s just a little glimpse of the Thing. It’s got trading, fighting, exploring, survival.
[Thunderous Applause]
It’s a huge Thing. What we’re trying to say is, this is a giant sandbox we’re making, a universe sized sandbox. It’s full of choices. Humankind stands on the edge of the interactive age. Now this was okay in rehearsal otherwise we wouldn’t be here.
[Thunderous Applause]
We’re going to be entering the open world. So don’t forget you can read this article in its entirety from our home page where you can live this new experience of CALMAT. Go farther than you have ever gone before. Do your Things in the 21st century and leave the rest of the world behind. It’s out there. We’re going to continue to make Things like this, the kind you can do with your friends and family.
[Thunderous Applause]
Thank you. We have arranged for you to meet our companion. He will lead you. Watch and listen.
[Thunderous Applause. The lights shimmer and go out. Fog rolls in and lasers fire off in every direction. Confetti falls from the sky.]
CHMAJ & LYLE MAKE A THING 